It's complicated

It’s complicated to describe in words what the past few days have been like for me. There is still a lot of joy getting to spend dedicated time with Maks, Alona, and Natasha, but everyday that I’m here, my eyes and heart are opened to the reality of the pain that is in each child I encounter.

I’ve been restless the past few days; both day and night. I rarely seem to rest because of all the “thoughts” I have in my head. I try to distract myself by going to dinner, reading, running, walking to the grocery store, doing laundry, watching DVD’s, etc., but the simple truth is that I can’t get the images and thoughts of what I “see” and “hear” going on at the orphanage.

The most evident “pain” I see and hear is the lack of love. Jenny and I were talking yesterday and she reminded me that these children have suffered the greatest pain imaginable – abandonment. In some cases, total abandonment! In Maks, Alona’s and Natasha’s case, they were removed from their homes taken to a hospital to be “checked out” than taken to the orphanage. In the 2 ½ years they have been at the orphanage, only one time did anyone come and see them. Can you imagine what heartache and pain they have suffered? What about the stories of the other children. What kind of pain and suffering have they suffered? God, my heart aches for these children!

In an earlier post, I mentioned that the children’s daily needs are being met in terms of food, shelter, clothing, and nice building to live in, etc. While that is the case, they are left to grow up managing life as they can. There are approximately 80 children at the orphanage separated in groups of 12-14 kids. Most days, there are two caregivers; one I call the housemother and the other I call the teacher. The housemother takes care of the cleaning and cooking, the teacher takes care of the children.

Because so many of the children come into the “system” at such a young age and from circumstances in their home that have placed them there, they don’t have the same social skills that children have growing up in “loving” family. When they enter the doors of the orphanage, and more directly, their group, they must adapt quickly to the environment. The best description I can think of is “survival of the fittest”. What a way to have to grow up in a system where the strongest survive. A community where you get what you want or have because you take it by force. A place where you say hurtful things to others because it makes you feel better. A place where you protect everything you have with all your might and strength because it’s all you have left to hold onto to. A place where respect is earned because of fear not character. A place where there is no truth and lack of consequence for ill behavior. Truly a place where children must learn to survive in order to live. God, it breaks my heart to see so little love in these children’s hearts.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not there isn’t love in these children’s heart (God has placed His love there, just like He has for me and you), it’s just so deep. I’ve witnessed some very tender moments of love. I’ve seen older children taking care of younger ones. I’ve seen children laughing, singing, and smiling. Praise God for the glimpses of love that I see - it gives me hope.

Yesterday, I woke yet again from a restless night of sleep. I got up, went for a run, spent time with God, did laundry, did some computer stuff, and off to see the kids. As usual, the kids were inside doing their schoolwork and after about 30 minutes, Maks, Alona, Natasha and I went outside to play. “What are we going to do today” I thought. “I’m here for 3 more hours and we’ve done it all a million times already.” We kicked the soccer ball around; we played tag, and took turns playing on the i-phone. Jenny even called and spoke to the kids. They really liked that! With about an hour left in my visit, the group came outside with their teacher and suddenly, Alona and Natasha where saying “father, come, come, please!” I followed them to a different playground where the teacher had a gallon of paint and two paint brushes. (You can imagine the chaos with 14 kids, a gallon of paint, and two brushes!). I feeling good though. An opportunity to interact with the other children of the group. One of the things I’ve wanted to do is get pictures of each child in the group and write down their names. I’ve been praying for them, but without their names, it seemed a little impersonal. I told Maks what I wanted to do and asked him to be the photographer. He did a great job! Shortly after Maks got started, I noticed that the teacher had the phone Natasha had bought on Monday and was “fixing” it. Vika was standing there and the next thing I know Natasha is yelling at her. My best guess is that Vika had Natasha’s phone and broke it (only temporary though – the teacher fixed it). Well Vika took off running and sat down on a bench as was crying. I certainly didn’t like Natasha screaming like that but I liked Vika crying all alone less. I went over to sit with her and comfort her which I think helped. Within a few minutes, Natasha came walking over. I must admit, I thought that if she came over to harass Vika anymore, I would put her in “time-out”! To my surprise and pleasure, Natasha was very sweet and even wiped the tears form Vika’s face. “Wow” she gets it. She does know how to love. Natasha asked if we could give Vika a balloon so we got the pump and balloons out of my backpack. You should have seen Vika’s smile!

Within seconds, every kid in the group was within inches of me asking for a balloon. The stronger ones pushing the weaker ones out of the way to be first. “Unbelievable” I thought. As I tried my best to blow up, tie, and pass out the balloons, someone else was standing there with their hands out. I remember praying and asking God for patience and peace. It was crazy and I wanted to get away from it. “I’m trying God, I really am. I’m trying to love these children, Lord. Help me”. Soon, there was another group that came outside and they all wanted a balloon. I was getting tired, even though it had only been about 10 minutes. By now it’s bedlam! Kids screaming, pushing, fighting, yelling, etc. You get the picture – crazy and I’m in the middle of it. Soon it was over. Every child that wanted a balloon got one. Praise God for the patience and peace he provided me. It was hard.

As I’m standing up, Maks tells me that my ride is there. As we are walking to the car, I stopped, got down on one knee and told him how much I loved him and that Jesus loved him too. He said “I know papa. I know”.

Why does something so simple as LOVE have to be so complicated?

Father, my time here with these children is short. Please help me to love them and show them your Son’s love. Amen.

Blessings <><,
David

Matthew 22:37
Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'
Matthew 22:39
And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'